


All Our Faults

by babykpats



Series: Ian, Mickey & Trevor [22]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Insecurity, M/M, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 21:07:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12992532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykpats/pseuds/babykpats
Summary: Mickey: What if there's nothing left in me that's worthy of love?Ian: What if I lose one of them?Trevor: What if Mickey finds out?





	All Our Faults

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Just some stuff about genital dysphoria and overall body/gender dysphoria.

Trevor closed his eyes and counted to five, letting air out through his mouth with every number he whispered.

He was overwhelmed.

His heart was beating way too fast and he felt like he was perpetually on the verge of tears.

Trevor has locked himself in the bathroom adjacent to Mickey's room and last he checked, Ian and Mickey were still asleep.

It's been two weeks of leaving the house way too early and coming back way too late and judging from the knowing looks Ian kept throwing his way, Ian already knew what he was doing.

Trevor was seated on the closed toilet bowl. He was torn between getting back in bed and going out for a walk. He placed a firm hand on top of his knee to stop it from shaking.

Trevor sighed and took off all his clothes. He positioned himself in front of the full length mirror hanging behind the door. It took an immense amount of will for Trevor to have his line of sight move from the floor to the mirror.

A therapist he worked with said that it would be healthier for him to see his body as it is to erase all idealistic notions of how his body should look like.

He squinted his eyes to try to blur out the scars and crossed his legs to try to see if he really did look like a man.

Tears started to fill his eyes once again. He looked like a man, but mutilated excuse for a man.

"Fuck." Trevor muttered. "Who the fuck am I kidding?"

We wiped the tears before they escaped his eyes.

Whenever he'd go on dates, he was pretty transparent with whoever he was with. He'd tell them he was trans and that they could take it or leave it.

With Mickey though, things got way too complicated, way too quick and now, here he was, doing anything and everything he can to make sure that Mickey never sees him without his clothes.

He rarely gets triggered anymore, he has worked too hard on himself and his self-esteem. He was pretty confident in his body. But there were times where he felt extremely anxious and vulnerable.

He didn't know why Mickey brought out all these things in him. With Ian, it was easy enough. He was receptive to information and was generally open to understanding new things.

Mickey seemed the complete opposite and it terrified him.

He put all his clothes back on and resumed his perch on top of the closed toilet bowl. He gave himself permission to let it all out. He allowed himself to let the tears flow in hopes that it will help him deal with the shit inside him.

Before all this happened, when Ian sat beside him while he was crying on the Milkovich porch, Ian and Trevor made a deal with one another. It was that one single deal that allowed Trevor to enter Mickey and Ian's relationship. He made Ian promise that once Mickey explicitly asks him to leave, he'll let Trevor leave. Trevor told himself that he'll stay as long as Mickey will have him.

That was why he couldn't find it in himself to tell Mickey about all this. Because once Mickey finds out, Trevor was scared that he'll be out on streets even before he gets a chance to explain.

~

Mickey tried his best to listen despite Ian snoring.

Ever since he got out, the smallest sound can wake him up. He never gets a really deep sleep anymore, sleeping to Mickey now feels like extended naps. So by the time Trevor was making his way to the bathroom, Mickey's eyes were already opened, watching Trevor walking away. He let out a quiet sigh and frowned when he noticed that it was still dark out. Trevor usually left the bed at five in the morning and got back in at around midnight every single day.

When Trevor's movements woke Mickey up at three in the morning, he became confused and just a bit curious.

His curiosity heightened when he didn't hear any peeing sounds. He did hear some movement in the bathroom but the shower didn't start, neither did the faucet. No other sounds were coming from the bathroom.

Mickey sighed. It wasn't like he was gonna be able to go back to sleep anyway.

He disentangled himself from Ian and walked towards the bathroom door. He was just going to burst right in, claiming that he needed to pee, and figure out what Trevor was doing in the bathroom in the middle of the night. But the moment he reached the door, he heard something that made him stop.

Trevor was crying in there.

Mickey frowned.

He pressed his ear against the door and he heard the unmistakable sniffling sound of someone working through a good cry.

Before he could properly process this, he suddenly felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

Mickey, acting purely on reflexes, jumped a couple of feet away from the door, ready to punch whoever was creeping up on him.

When Mickey saw a half-asleep, deeply confused Ian standing near the door, staring at the spot that Mickey recently vacated, Mickey sighed and willed himself to relax.

"What are you doing up?" Mickey whispered.

"Bed's empty." Ian mumbled.

~

Ian was annoyed.

He was having a really good dream spit-roasting Mickey with Trevor but suddenly he was cold. He woke up and his two most favorite sources of heat were gone. He spotted Mickey through half-opened eyes and walked over only to have him jump like a fucking grasshopper away from him.

"He's in there." Mickey muttered

Ian frowned, his sleep muddled brain running through a list of people who could possibly be in the bathroom.

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and out came Trevor with slightly swollen eyes and wet cheeks.

Ian frowned, slowly emerging into the waking world. "You okay?" He moved towards Trevor and enclosed his face with both his hands.

Trevor's body suddenly slumped forward and Ian frowned when he saw the sadness in Trevor's eyes.

Ian knew. He knew about Trevor's issues with his body. He heard stories about the people whom Trevor cared deeply about and how they broke his heart after finding out about something as trivial as the genitalia he was born with. Ian didn't care. Yeah, he was confused at first but he cared about Trevor enough to exert some effort into learning about him.

Ian wrapped his arms around Trevor as Trevor buried his face against Ian's neck.

Ian looked at Mickey over Trevor's shoulder.

This Mickey was different.

Ian wasn't naive enough to think that this Mickey was the same Mickey he knew from before. Mickey was now rougher, like the progress they've made throughout their younger days together somehow erased itself and the only thing that he kept with him was the acceptance that he was gay. He talked differently. Gone was the loud-mouthed Mickey who would never stop giving Ian shit, in his place was this quiet Mickey who would only talk when directly spoken to. There were moments, when Mickey and Ian were alone and Trevor was out avoiding them, where Ian would see small glimpses of the old Mickey. Ian would see it in the way he smiled like Ian was the biggest idiot in the world and Ian would just look at him, memorize his face just in case the old Mickey completely disappears one day.

The old Mickey would've been accepting of Trevor being trans. This new Mickey, he wasn't too sure about yet.

"Just do it." Ian said in a soft breath against Trevor's shoulder. "Just do it." He repeated for emphasis. He needed for this to work. He needed Trevor to tell Mickey and he needed Mickey to accept Trevor. He needed for this to work out because if it came down to Ian having to choose, he knew he'd lose Trevor and he couldn't let that happen.

"Scared." was the only reply Trevor gave.

Me too, Ian thought.

~

Mickey stood awkwardly off to the side watching Ian and Trevor together. He cared. He wanted to know what was going on. Trevor looked like a little child and in some twisted way, he reminded Mickey of Mandy. He saw through the strong front that Trevor tried to put up, just like how he saw through Mandy's act.

Jail has taught him to see beyond the facade that people put up and spot the weakness underneath. These were the people he took note of just in case he needed to prove his strength, just in case he needed to get himself out of the line of fire and prove that he could handle his own.

Trevor wasn't weak, not by a longshot. But Mickey saw the demons Trevor had inside him inside him, what those were, Mickey had no clue but they were there. If he were back on the inside, he would use the demons against the person, to hurt them. To exploit every single weakness he has against that person until there's nothing left but a broken down shell.

But he didn't want to destroy Trevor. He wanted to help him. He doesn't know how though.

That was one thing he didn't learn in jail. How to socialize, how to help people, how to act around the people you cared for.

So Mickey stood there, trapped within the body of an institutionalized man.

~

Trevor opened his eyes and frowned. Sunlight was filtering through their blinds.

Sunlight.

His upper body shot off the bed as he turned to see who he was in bed with.

Ian was beside him, curled into himself. Behind him was Mickey who was staring back at him.

"Sorry. Did I wake you?" Trevor muttered awkwardly.

Mickey chuckled. "A single drop of water from the faucet can wake me up. You didn't do anything."

Trevor nodded. He needed to get out of the room before Ian wakes up. Ian's body woke up one body part at a time. Dick, mouth, hands, legs then eyes.

"Where do you go?" Mickey asked, voice raspy from having just woken up.

"What?" Trevor asked, caught off guard. Ever since he moved in, he can count on one hand the number of times that Mickey actually initiated conversations with him.

"Where do you go? Your work doesn't start until eight in the morning but you're always gone even before the sun's up." Mickey continued.

Fuck, Trevor thought.

"I asked Ian but he never tells me the truth." Mickey said.

Trevor ran his nails along his thighs, the pain grounding him amidst the panic bubbling from his stomach.

"Trevor?" Mickey asked.

"I like being at work early." Trevor answered. That wasn't a complete lie. He got out of the house before six, he'd park his car in the parking lot and sleep in the car until eight. It was half the truth but Trevor still felt like he just spouted the biggest lie in the world.

Mickey kept studying his face and he was feeling extremely self-conscious.

"Did you really wanna be here?" Mickey asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" Trevor's hand froze mid-thigh, red angry marks now running across his thighs.

"I'm not fucking leaving Ian. Ever. So if you have a problem with me being here then fucking sort it out." Mickey grumbled.

Trevor frowned. That wasn't what he wanted. That was the complete opposite of what he wanted. He wanted to tell Mickey but he was scared of what would happen.

His nails dug deeper against his thighs as he grew more anxious. "I wanna be here." Trevor answered softly.

Mickey scoffed. "Then maybe start acting like it."

~

Mickey turned around, away from Trevor.

Fuck him. That's what Mickey got for caring too much. He knew he wasn't the ideal boyfriend. Hell, he wasn't even close to being the ideal friend.

But when he got out, Ian said he still loved him.

So Mickey started thinking that maybe there was still something to be loved left inside him. That maybe if someone just cared enough to look, that they'd find something, anything, worth their love.

But the weirdness with Trevor caused him to realize something that he wished he never realized. He realized that maybe Trevor really didn't see anything to love within Mickey. Even worse, Mickey realized that maybe Ian was only in love with the idea of who he was before, that maybe once Ian realizes how much he has changed he'd be left with nothing once again.

He'd be alone all over again.

Mickey let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.

When he was in alone in his cell and his thoughts were getting all too consuming, he had two memories which he clung to like a life raft.

One was the very final moment before Ian was taken away from him. Those few hours where they were bloodied and sweaty and happy. Honest to goodness happiness. They were smiling and laughing and high on the prospect of their first date.

The second memory was the most precious memory he had in his brain. He revisited that memory often for fear of it disappearing within the depths of his mind.

It was the morning before his father caught him and Ian. Mickey woke up first and he just watched the light bounce off of Ian's skin. He fell in love with Ian at that very moment.

He didn't even notice the tears leaving his eyes until he opened them and saw Ian crouching down in front of him.

"Everything okay?" Ian asked in a soft whisper.

Mickey nodded, quickly turning around to hide his face from Trevor who was standing behind Ian, looking at him.

Fuck, he must look like such a pathetic human being right now.

~

Ian frowned as he watch Mickey turn away from him.

"Did I do something?" Trevor whispered to Ian.

Ian gave him a tired smile. "It happens a lot. I talk to my therapist about Mick sometimes and he says it might be mild PTSD."

Trevor nodded.

Ian turned away from Trevor to focus his attention back on Mickey. This wasn't Trevor's fault. It was Ian's.

Ian was the one who left Mickey all alone when Mickey needed him the most.

He moved onto the bed and wrapped his arms around Mickey. "I'm sorry, Mick." He whispered.

"Stop fucking apologizing." Mickey muttered.

"I shouldn't have left you behind." Ian said.

"Can't do nothing about it now." Mickey snapped.

Ian sighed. "I know." He pressed his face against Mickey's nape and inhaled Mickey's scent. "I love you."

Ian sighed when he didn't hear a reply. He's been alternating between 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' but Mickey just rejects everything and he was running out of ideas.

Ian decided to just be honest and blurt out what he was feeling. "I'm scared, Mick." He whispered against the back of Mickey's neck. "I'm scared of fucking up and giving you a reason to leave me. I'm scared that something bad will happen between you and Trevor and I'd have to choose. I'm scared of losing Trevor."

Mickey sighed. "He doesn't even wanna be here."

Ian frowned then turned his head to look at Trevor. "What?"

~

Trevor froze.

He was literally just standing there, high-key eavesdropping when suddenly, the spotlight was on him.

"I want to be here." Trevor said.

"You don't act like it." Mickey answered back as he rose from the bed turning around to look at him.

Trevor turned his hands into fists for lack of anything to run his nails against. Then, he looked at Ian to silently ask for help.

"Mick." Ian started.

"What?" Mickey yelled. "Just fucking leave if you want to!"

Trevor froze. "What?" He said weakly.

Technically, Mickey didn't ask him to leave, right?

"You fucking deaf? Told you to leave." Mickey muttered.

Fuck. There it was.

"Okay." Trevor said. He paused for a little bit before rushing into the bathroom before he embarrassed himself anymore. He was shaking, a tell-tale sign of an impending breakdown. He needed to get all his shit before he ends up breaking down in front of them.

He blindly grabbed at all his things wiping his eyes to get a clearer view of the things he's reaching for.

As he was about to leave, someone knocked on the door.

Trevor cleared his throat in hopes of sounding semi-normal. "I'm just getting my shit and I'll be out of here."

"Trev. It's me." Ian's voice came through the door.

Trevor wiped at his eyes one last time before opening the door. "I'll go." He whispered.

"He doesn't mean it." Ian said, looking like he was barely keeping it together either.

"That was the deal, Ian. I'll stay until he tells me to go." Trevor said.

"He says that shit all the time, Trev. He doesn't mean it." Ian pleaded.

"Does he say that to you? Tell you to go away?" Trevor asked, hoping against hope that he'll like the answer he'd be given.

Trevor frowned when Ian shook his head.

He let out a dry chuckle. "I'll be out in five minutes."

"Wait." Ian said, looking like he was on the verge of a panic attack. "What if you just tell him? Just tell him why you'd avoid us? Maybe if he knows-"

"He already acts like he hates me, Ian. What do you think will happen? I tell him then he'll suddenly like me? If I tell him now, the best I can hope for is pity and you know I can't stand that shit, Ian." Trevor was freely crying now.

~

Mickey frowned, having heard everything they were saying. He got up from his spot on the bed and walked towards the bathroom.

"Tell me what?" He asked.

"Shit." Ian cursed.

"Tell me what?" He looked at Trevor.

Mickey was once again getting the Mandy vibe from Trevor. His eyelashes were wet and his cheeks were red. His eyes were puffy and he had this distinct memory of Mandy coming to him looking a lot like Trevor did now, asking him to beat someone up for her.

He then looked down and saw angry red marks across Trevor's thighs and the very same marks going from Trevor's left wrist up until his elbow.

His frown grew deeper when his mind flashed back to the shit he read about self-harm and bipolar and depression.

"Are you sick?" Mickey asked, anger now morphing into worry.

"What?" Trevor asked, frowning.

"Like are you sick? Like Ian?" Mickey asked

"No." Trevor said.

Micke quickly turned his head towards Ian when he heard the latter chuckling.

"Why the fuck are you laughing?" Mickey snapped.

Ian grinned. "You were throwing him out of the house just a couple of minutes ago and now you're worried about his mental health."

Mickey shrugged. He wasn't even serious when was asking Trevor to leave. Hell, he said that shit to Mandy when she still lived here. When he's at the height of his anger, he usually just yells at everyone and tells them to leave, hoping that they actually care enough to stay.

"I'm trans."

Mickey turned to Trevor. "What'd you say?"

~

Trevor sighed. "I'm trans. I wasn't ready to let you know."

"So... you were a girl?" Mickey asked.

Trevor winced. "Yeah, sort of, I guess."

"Why the fuck didn't you just tell me?"

Trevor shrugged. "Didn't want you to freak out and, y'know, be grossed out or whatever."

"That really what you think of me?" Mickey asked.

Trevor shrugged again.

"I don't give a shit." Mickey said.

Trevor raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

Mickey shrugged. "Just tell me what I gotta know then we can go on with our lives."

"What do you mean what you have to know?" Trevor asked.

"Like shit you have to take to, y'know, become a man or whatever."

"My testosterone?"

"Yeah, that shit. Like your fucking schedule or whatever, just in case."

Trevor couldn't help the smile that slowly bloomed on his face. He almost walked out on this man, he almost lost Mickey. "Okay."

"Great. Can we go back to bed now? We're wasting a perfectly good Sunday." Mickey said, stomping back towards the bed.

"Told you he'd be cool with it." Ian said, wearing a giant smile that matched the one on Trevor's face.

"You don't think he's lying?" Trevor asked. It was way too easy for Mickey to just say what he thought Trevor wanted to hear.

"He's not."

~

Mickey got back into bed feeling just a bit lighter. Ever since Trevor came into the picture, he always felt like maybe Ian talked Trevor into agreeing to this trouple thing. Maybe he got forced and he really wasn't into it. That maybe Ian painted a picture of a very different Mickey to Trevor and now Trevor wants out when he saw the real thing.

Mickey closed his eyes, positioning himself in the middle of the bed.

Trevor was trans. He wasn't quite sure of what that entailed but at least he really wants to be here. Maybe there was still something left inside Mickey that Trevor saw.


End file.
